Tis the season to be tipping, fa la la la la la la la la! With under a week to go before Christmas, it's time to figure out what to tip those who do things for us.

I'm thankful the 'Complete Idiot's Guide to Etiquette' exists because if an idiot can't guide me through the Christmas season, then who can? Here's what they vs what I say.

Babysitter or nanny:  They say: One week's pay and a small gift.

Me: I tried to give the babysitter the gift of laughter once by telling what I thought was a funny joke. What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark?  I'll give the answer at the end, but I'll tell you that our sitter didn't appreciate the gift and in hindsight I don't blame her.

Trash collectors: They say: 15 to 20 dollars per person.

Me: Probably more. I hear that the trash collectors at my place have muttered the words, "Don't they ever tie the garbage bags."  Sorry about that.

Paper Carrier: They say: 15-25 dollars for daily delivery and 5-15 dollars for weekend delivery.

Me: I really feel bad for the carriers. When I delivered the paper growing up, I also would collect at the end of the week. I actually saw who I was delivering too and would sometimes chat.

So when the holidays rolled around, I would get a nice present. Nowadays, you can pay your bill on-line. I never saw our carrier and have no idea who they were.

Hairdresser: They say: The equivalent of one session (that sounds like some big words for the idiot etiquette people.) It also says to pay 25 dollars if you're not a regular salon-goer.

Me: 25 is more than all my sessions combined.  I see my hair stylist(?) twice a year.  I always go on a Wednesday because it's only 11 bucks.  I tried to give her coupons once.  She appreciated that as much as the babysitter liked my gift of laughter.

So here's the answer to my earlier joke: flood lights! Yeah, yeah, I know, that is no tip.

It doesn't take an idiot to figure out what you should tip, but I don't mind if an idiot helps me out.  Merry Christmas to all of you who help us out!

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