A dog trainer in Western, New York claims that he was sexually molested by a female bigfoot in one of the most bizarre (NSFW) 5-minute videos I've ever seen.

Apparently, this video has been floating around the internet for a while now, and it's been viewed probably a million times.  And please don't ask what kind of rabbit hole I went down that led me to find this, it's the internet, and things like this pop up all the time.  What, they don't pop up for you?

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Peter Cain from Beavers Dam, NY says he's a dog trainer, but I can't figure out he's the most whacked-out human being on the planet, an unhinged comedian, or just really, really, REALLY unfortunate.

And while I would never undermine anyone who makes a sexual assault claim, I think it's safe to say that Cain might be a little more cockeyed than the guy you see wearing a tinfoil hat, shouting at people through a megaphone that you "must rip all the wires out of your house so the government can't listen to your thoughts."

Cain claims that he was out in the woods by a dry creek bed when he heard some rustling in the trees.  Thinking that it was one of his dogs, he examined further.

And that's when he claims a female Bigfoot (or a She-Squatch) came after him and ripped his clothes off and began doing all sorts of inexplicable things to him and his sascrotch.

While I won't get into specifics of the ordeal, let's just say that she tore into his Jack Links like she hadn't eaten in weeks.  I know what it's like when I get hangry, but this is on a whole other level and according to Cain, she was 7, or 8-feet tall and had quite the voracious appetite.

The acting in this goofy video is so spot-on; the pain he wears in his expression so authentic, for a split second....ah nevermind.  I'll never be able to unhear him saying, 'I can't get clean...I can't get clean!"

Here's a link to the video and I'm warning you ahead of time, it is Not Safe for Work!

I'm still waiting for a "part 2" but much like Bigfoot, it appears to be non-existant.  Cain did leave us with the ultimate cliffhanger when he added, "She could be pregnant with my child."

Now that would make one hairy sequel.

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