What His Gift Really Says: Valentine Presents Decoded

I sort of (but only a teeny tiny bit) feel bad for guys. Some guys really do try to up their game on Valentine’s Day, but still manage to land flat on their face.  Do you remember that story I’ve told a million times about the Valentine gift I got which was a 2 liter bottle of soda with bags of pretzels taped all the way around it?  Yeah.  I don’t drink soda.  And I don’t like pretzels. But he liked both.  Go figure.  I’m gonna go out on a limb and say zero thought went into that gift.  Wondering what the gift he gives you means?  Let me help:

He got you: Valentine-themed chocolates?
What it says: “I bought this at the supermarket on the way over here, probably because I’m surprised that we made it to Valentine’s Day and hadn’t planned on getting you anything.”

He got you: Plane tickets for a romantic getaway
What it says: “I think our relationship is strong enough to withstand non-stop quality time and hearing/smelling each other’s bodily functions through the hotel’s bathroom door.”

He got you: A gym membership, after you’ve been complaining about how you want but can’t afford a gym membership
What it says: “I’m a little clueless, but thoughtful.”

He got you: A gym membership, despite you never mentioning your weight, exercise, or visiting a gym
What it says: “I’m clueless, and I’ll be sleeping on the couch this week.”

He got you: Anything he made himself
What it says: “If you weren’t sure how into you I am, the answer is very.”

He got you: A promise that your gift is on its way, coupled with mumbling about it being held up at the post office
What it says: “I just ordered it yesterday and didn’t even splurge for overnight shipping.”

He got you: Lingerie that’s totally your style
What it says: “I know what makes you feel sexy and I’m willing to spend an hour at Victoria’s Secret looking creepy to give it to you.”

He got you: A framed picture of the two of you
What it says: “I’m a cheesy romantic.”

He got you: A framed picture of the two of you, blown up to the size of your bedroom wall
What it says: “I hope the cheesy romance factor conceals the fact that I have a shrine to you in my room and am knitting mittens out of your hair.”

He got you: A pet for the two of you
What it says: “I’ve already booked a caterer and reception hall for our wedding, just in case. Don’t mind the shelf of baby name books in my living room.”

He got you: A pair of earrings?
What it says: “I think you’re worth a million bucks—but I could only afford $79.99 at Zales.”

He got you: A gift certificate to a spa
What it says: “I want you to feel completely pampered while I picture you being oiled up and rubbed down.”

He got you: Extra RAM for your computer
What it says: “256 megabytes of file storage is the closest thing to flowers you’ll ever get from me, so if you want romance, keep looking.”

He got you: The breakup speech
What it says: “You have my permission to spread the word that I’m bad in bed.”