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Top Tips for A Winning Valentine’s Day

Credit: iStockphoto

Have a romantic Valentine’s Day planned?.

#1. You can hand knit her a scarf! It is a great way to show you care. And also, make her wonder why she’s dating you.

#2. REMEMBER!! You CAN come on too strong. Telling her “I love you” is much better than carving her initials into your chest with a razor blade, then threatening to murder you both if she doesn’t do the same.

#3. If you forget to buy her anything, fake your death and move to China. It’ll be OK… It’s just better this way.

#4. Just because the adorable stuffed teddy bear says, “I love you” when you squeeze his fluffy tummy, it doesn’t make up for the fact you spent $3.99 on her gift.

#5. As much as your girl loves chocolate, ┬ápinching her on the butt and then saying, “But only one a day, Jiggle Neck.” will probably ruin the magic.

#6. If you’re going to propose to her, wait until the end of the romantic evening. Or even better, don’t do it at all. Because marriage sucks. Sorry. I just blurted that out right there.

#7 Wherever you decide to take your girlfriend for dinner, please make sure your wife won’t be there.

#8. I realize that it’s a stupid holiday designed to sell candy and flowers . . . so, buy her expensive candy and flowers.

#9. Don’t fight it. Just put in a Ryan Gosling movie and hold her hand.

#10. After telling your wife she deserves the best chocolates, DO NOT say, “But not nearly as much as your favorite chair deserves a break from slowly being crushed to death!”

#11. Tell your wife that tonight, she deserves to be treated like a princess . . . before reminding her dinner’s not going to cook itself.

#12. Ladies,trust me. Getting naked as a jaybird and hiding in his dressing room STILL won’t make Justin Bieber understand you were MEANT to be his Valentine.

#13. Get out that sexy nurse costume from Halloween. Wear it to feel sultry while eating chocolates and trolling your EX on Facebook.

#14. Last but not least, just settle for the fact that whatever you do for your significant other, it won’t be quite good enough.

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