Question from April:

Rich I hate airing my problems publicly. None of my friends can give me any answers. They just tell me I pick the wrong men. So now I'm just going to dump this on you. It seems in the last few years I have been nothing but the fool. I get fooled by men all the time, I am a middle aged woman and have been through two divorces. My first husband had another girlfriend the whole time we were married. She knew about me and was fine with the situation. She was the reason I got married! She gave him permission! My second husband, who I thought was my knight in shining armor was drowning in debt and just used me and my credit cards to buy more toys he never intended to pay for and moved on to the next woman with a bank account. So here I am back out in the dating world trying to find a good man. I have you ever been fooled like this? How do I get over the feeling that I'm going back into another situation like the ones I explained?

My Answer:

APRIL! Holy Cow! What a bad set of circumstances. I'm sorry that you've been through all that. I am not going to comment on your past marriages because I'd be ranting about how twisted I think those two guys are for so many reasons. Rather, lets answer your question at hand from my point of view. Have I been fooled? Yes, I won't call her out in this post, but she wrecked a part of me emotionally. I still, to this day, look at things differently than I should and it's been years. So I certainly know how you feel. Betrayal and being used will naturally bring down your self worth. As I've stated in a past post, time and discussion with trusted people is going to be the only medicine that will begin to heal those emotional wounds. However, that being said, I wonder how long you took to get to know the men in your past marriages? You didn't tell me how long you were dating either of them, but it seems odd that you wouldn't have noticed the disconnection of your first husband. Juggling two women is tough stuff! Try to pay attention to how a guy is acting around you. Where is he if he's not with you? Does he want to make time to be with you? Are you his first thought when he wakes up? These are questions you should be able to answer about your mate. Especially if you're moving in to the realm of marriage with him. The second problem you experienced with EX #2 can be easily avoided by simply saying no. It may be hard to do if you have feelings for him. If he loves you and not your credit card he'll understand and there should be no problem. I would slow down in the commitment stage of your next relationship. Give yourself time to find out what Prince Charming is all about. Sit back and let him work for your attention. A jerk that wants to use you for anything won't input a large amount of time or effort. If he realizes he's not getting what he wants fairly quickly, he'll move to the next easy score. If he's into you, he'll go all out! Good luck!

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